[The episode begins with the screen showing scenes in sepia, as they are all from the past. Cut to Stoick and his crew on a fishing trip out at sea.]
Hiccup (v.o.): Everybody needs a place in the world. Some people are born to theirs.
Stoick: Raise the main sail! Turn her toward starboard!
Viking: Aye, sir!
[Cut to scene from the first film where Hiccup and Toothless bond for the first time when Toothless allows Hiccup to put a hand on his snout.]
Hiccup (v.o.): Some people discover theirs.
[Cut to the days of kill-or-be-killed. Gobber is making weapons and bringing out a whole wagon-full for everyone.]
Hiccup (v.o.): And some people make a place for themselves.
Gobber: Grab a weapon! No time to be choosy!
[Gobber faces off a Monstrous Nightmare, while everything in the village goes amuck. Cut to the present. Screen returns to full color. Camera zooms from the rising sun to Gobber's smithy, where he is forging a sword, but realizes that there's no point anymore.]
Hiccup (v.o.): But then the world around them changes, and the place they made is gone.
[The Teens are gathered in the new Berk Dragon Academy, where Hiccup is quizzing them on dragons. The Teens are split into two teams: Astrid and Fishlegs on one team, then Snotlout and the Twins on the other.]
Hiccup: Every Dragon has its own unique abilities that give it its special place in the world. Which dragon makes the best welding torch?
Astrid: Oh! Deadly Nadder!
Fishlegs: Its magnesium flame burns with the heat of the sun!
Hiccup: Correct! Point to Team Astrid. Score is now 100 to 10.
Astrid: And you started with 10.
Tuffnut: Oh, yeah? Well, the game's not over. Wait, what team am I on?
Hiccup: Next question. What is the shot limit of a Hideous Zippleback? Team Snotlout.
Astrid: I don't think they can count that high.
[Barf and Belch shoot six fireballs at the other team; Astrid and Fishlegs barely manage to duck in time.]
Tuffnut: Looks like it's about three. [holds up only two fingers]
Ruffnut: Told you we could count that high!
Hiccup: It's six. You were half-right. Five points.
Ruffnut: Yes! We're up to 30! [Ruffnut high-fives Snotlout and Tuffnut.]
Astrid: [competitively] Alright, it's our turn. What happens when you shoot fire at the owner of a Deadly Nadder? [She whistles for Stormfly, who shoots her tail spikes at the other team, pinning them to the wall, unharmed.]
Tuffnut: No fair! She didn't give us time to answer!
[Snotlout jumps down from the wall.]
Snotlout: I've got a question. What happens when I sic Hookfang on you?
Hiccup: [noticing that it's going a bit far] Okay, guys, that's enough training. So... we did some really good work here today.
Snotlout: [still ready for a fight] Prepare to face the Monstrous Nightmare!
[Snotlout pats his jaw, and Hookfang suddenly rears up and set himself on fire, burning Snotlout's butt.]
Snotlout: AH! THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK! [He jumps into a nearby water tub, putting out his flaming butt.] Aahhh... sweet relief.
Hiccup: [confused by this new event] Hookfang never flames up when you're riding him. Is he okay?
Astrid: [sarcastically] Maybe he just realized who his owner is.
Snotlout: There's room in here for two.
[Astrid grabs his helmet and shoves him back underwater. Snotlout gasps.]
[Meanwhile, at the plaza, Gobber is trying to sell his weapons to a gathered crowd. Hiccup looks on.]
Gobber: Gather around! Come on, one and all! You may think these dragon-killing weapons have no more use, but think again! This long sword is now a lovely butter knife! [tries to spread the butter, but only breaks the toast into little crumbs.] Eh. It's also good for making breadcrumbs. [The plate cracks and breaks. The crowd looks on in slience.] Moving on.
[[[Mildew]] comes up beside Hiccup, with a voice of mock pity.]
Mildew: Well, this is a dark day. A great dragon slayer peddling his weapons as kitchen utensils? Hm. Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Gobber: [holding up a mace] Up next, how about this... [tries to think of a good purpose when he sees a fly land on the nearby table.] ...handy flyswatter? [Gobber brings the mace down and smashes the table. The crowd gasps. Gobber looks at the result.] He-he. Also good for getting rid of unwanted tables. [The fly emerges from the wreck, completely unharmed. Walks over to a large catapult.] Now, for the lady of the house! When the hubby's off pillaging, how are you to protect yourself from home invaders? No problem when you have Big Bertha! [Suddenly, the catapult flings open, hurling a stone into Silent Sven's house. He looks about in confusion. The crowd disperses while murmuring; Mildews tsks at Hiccup again; Gobber is frantic to get what attention he had been commanding back.] Hey, wait! There's more! Come back! You haven't seen everything yet! I haven't cleared out my dungeon yet! [gives up, pats the catapult.] It's okay Bertha. We'll find a place for you.
Mildew: [mocking] Ah, it's hard to watch. Especially for you, eh, Hiccup? The feelings of guilt must be tearing at your insides. I mean, you put him out of business with your little peace pact with the dragons. You ruined his life. Bravo.
[Later that evening, Hiccup is in his bedroom with Toothless, thinking over what happened with Gobber.]
Hiccup: [sighs, to Toothless] You know Gobber made this for me? He taught me everything I needed to know to make your tail. I've gotta find some way to help him.
[Stoick enters the house, very exhausted. Sets his helmet down and takes a seat. Hiccup comes downstairs to greet him.]
Hiccup: Tough day of chiefing, Dad?
Stoick: I was all over the island. I married the Svensson girl to the Odegaard boy at dawn. Then down to the fields where some kids were tipping over yaks. [Hiccup brings Stoick a mug of ale.] Then back up to the newlyweds to settle a domestic dispute. I guess that honeymoon's over. [Hiccup crosses to the fireplace to place more wood in.] Sometimes I wish there were two of me.
Hiccup: [Stops when he hears this. Drops the wood into the fire, has an epiphany.] Dad, th-there are two of you!
Stoick: [demanding, somewhat irritated. Slams down the mug.] Is that another crack about my weight?!
Hiccup: No, I mean Gobber. He can be the other you.
Stoick: [considering, but cautious.] Gobber? Well, he's way too busy making all those dragon-killing... Well, used to be, until you-- Which is great! Except for Gobber.
Hiccup: Exactly my point!
Stoick: [taking the idea into consideration] You know, that's actually not such a bad idea. I could use a right hand.
Hiccup: [a bit jokingly] Which works out great, 'cause that's kind of the only one he has.
[The next day, Stoick and Gobber are in the plaza, discussing the plan for the day.]
Stoick: I greatly appreciate you helping me out, Gobber.
Gobber: I'm just glad I could find time in my busy schedule, Stoick.
Stoick: [takes out a small sheet of paper and splits in half; one for him and one for Gobber.] I've got a full day ahead of me. Here's your half.
Gobber: [looking at his half] Oh, this'll be interesting.
Stoick: Now remember, some of these situations are delicate. They require diplomacy.
Gobber: [optimistically] Ah, no problem! I'm great at... [hesitates] that.
Stoick: [surprised] Really? You? You can speak to people with tact and sensitivity?
Gobber: Oh, I thought it meant clubbing people on the head and asking questions later. But I can give your thing a shot.
[Later, Gobber is in the Great Hall, leading a naming ceremony for a new baby.]
Gobber: Whosoever brings this child forth into the Hooligan tribe, let he be known! [The parents bring the baby forth.] As a representative of the chief, I welcome this baby into the Hooligan tribe. And pronounce the name to be... [The father whispers "Hildegard" into Gobber's ear. Gobber clearly doesn't think so.] Eeh. Hildegard? Doesn't seem like a Hildegard to me. Let's go with Magnus.
Viking Mother: [offended] But she's a girl, Gobber!
Gobber: [trying to be reassuring] Don't worry, she's not gonna look like one. Magnus it is! [picks up a large mace.] And please accept this teething toy on behalf of Stoick the Vast.
Viking Mother: [horrified] No!
Gobber: Bucket says you never paid him for the sheep.
Mulch: [defensive] I never bought a sheep! [A baa is heard and a sheep is seen behind Mulch, making him look guilty.]
Gobber: Who's that? A little woman?
Bucket: [hurt] Oh, Mulch. You're cheating me now?
Gobber: [hands Mulch a mace and Bucket a hammer.] Clearly there's only one way to settle this. [Gobber walks out. There's an awkward moment of silence before the two raise their weapons. Outside, sounds of the fight can be heard. Gobber smiles and crosses an item off his list.] Diplomacy? Check. Alright, what's next?
[Later, Gobber is hard at work placing slabs of iron on Silent Sven's boat.]
Gobber: I know the conventional thinking when repairing a ship is wood. But if you ask me, there's nothing like a good, old slab of iron! Ha! Nothing's getting through this!
[Stoick, along with Hildegard/Magnus's parents, Mulch, and Bucket, approaches Gobber.]
Stoick: [frustrated] Gobber! What do you think you're doing?
Gobber: [smiling] Just checking another item off the list. [Checks it off, then taps the ship once with his hammer-hand. The ship suddenly slips off the dock and into the water, where the weight of the iron only makes it sink.] And adding an item for later. "Recover sunken ship." [looks at Stoick with a smile.] Same time tomorrow? [Stoick sighs exasperated.]
[That evening, Stoick is placing two blocks of ice on his head, trying to ease the headache. Hiccup hands him a mug of ale.]
Hiccup: Here you go, Dad. [notices the blocks of ice.] Wow. A two-block headache. You know, Dad, I think you're being a wee bit rough on Gobber. It was his first day. Tomorrow will be way better.
Stoick: [frustrated] Oh, it will be for me. Because it won't involve Gobber.
Hiccup: [confused] What do you mean?
Stoick: [removes the blocks] I tried to fit a square peg in a round hole, and it sunk a ship and named a baby girl Magnus! [honestly] Now I'm not saying she didn't look like a Magnus, but try telling that to her parents.
Hiccup: I can't believe you let him go! Well, we've got to help him!
Stoick: We don't have to do anything. You, on the other hand, are going to be very busy finding a job for Gobber.
[Hiccup gives him a look that clearly says: "Wait, what?".]
[The next day, the teens and their dragons are gathered at the Academy as Hiccup tells them his plan.]
Fishlegs: [cautious] You're bringing Gobber here?
Hiccup: [trying to sound optimistic and encouraging.] He's gonna be great. Nobody knows dragons like old Gobber. He's spent a lifetime, you know... studying them. If we can tap into that, we'll all be better Dragon Trainers.
[Suddenly, the doors burst open and in comes Gobber, lugging a whole cart-full of weapons.]
Gobber: I'm back! Did ya miss me?
[The dragons are clearly intimitated.]
Hiccup: [cautious] First of all, welcome. And second... tiny question, why did you bring your, you know...?
Gobber: Killing things? I thought maybe we could train them [takes out an unusual-looking weapon, like a sword mixed with an axe and a mace] by threatening to kill them. That's how my daddy taught me to swim. [slams the weapon into the ground, breaking the earth.] School's in session!
[Frightened, the dragons, all except Toothless, fly off. Astrid, Fishlegs, Snotlout, and the twins take off after them.]
Gobber: [clearly missing the point] Eh. I didn't like school either.
[The teens ride back to the Academy with their dragons. They dismount, groaning in pain.]
Hiccup: What's wrong with you guys?
Astrid: Ugh. We've been riding our dragons for four hours. [gets in Stormfly's face] It took forever to chase them down after Gobber scared them away.
Hiccup: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I just don't know what to do with him. [sees Ruffnut kicking Tuffnut's butt.] Do you guys always have to fight?
Tuffnut: It's okay. I asked her to do that. I was just trying to get the feeling back.
Ruffnut: [bending down] You gonna return the favor or what? [Tuffnut proceeds to kick her butt]
Hiccup: [confused] I've flown for hours on Toothless and I've never had a problem.
Astrid: [miserably] That's because you have a saddle.
Hiccup: [getting an idea] Saddles!
[Later, in Gobber's smithy...]
Gobber: Saddles? I love it! I've got so many ideas! [looks at Hiccup's drawing with disinterest, then tosses them aside.] But not like these. Good ones.
Hiccup: I'm glad you're excited. But I still think there are some things in my designs you could use. I mean, you did teach me everything I know.
Gobber: Exactly. That's why you should let Gobber do what Gobber does best. I've been making saddles since you were in diapers. In fact, I made your diapers.
Hiccup: [trying to get his point across] I know you know what you're doing. But keep in mind, every dragon is different. So you need to adjust the--
Gobber: [interrupting] Hiccup.
Gobber: [interrupting] Hiccup.
Hiccup: But, I just think--
Gobber: [still not listening] Hicc. Up. I may have taught you everything you know, but I haven't taught you everything I know.
[Hiccup gives in and leaves Gobber to his work. Gobber can be heard happily and boisterously singing.]
Gobber: I've got my axe and I've got my mace, and I love my wife with the ugly face! I'm a Viking through and through! Hmmm!
Hiccup: [to Toothless, hopeful] You know, he doesn't sing that song unless he's actually very happy. I think we did a good thing.
[The next day, at the Academy, the teens and their dragons are gathered to see Gobber's handiwork.]
Hiccup: Alright, this is an exciting day for all of us. Gobber has been working hard to--
Gobber: [interrupting] I think they might want to hear from the artist himself. [proudly makes his announcement as the kids get excited] I've made a lot of saddles in my day. Horse, donkey and now, dragon. But these saddles are special. They're like my children; that is if you strapped your child to a flaming reptile and rode it. So without further ado-- [unveils the odd-looking-and-equipped saddles. The reaction is immediate.]
Hiccup: [a bit surprised] Wow, Gobber. This-this is certainly not what I imagined.
Gobber: [clearly missing the point] How could it be? I'm Gobber! Nobody knows what it's like to live in here. [taps his helmet with his hammer-hand]
Hiccup: [points to Snotlout's new saddle, which is armed with a blower and a bit of lit-up hay] Is-is that--?
Gobber: Yep! Flamethrower. [gives Hiccup a demonstration] Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Hiccup: Uh...no, not for dragons. They come with one built in, actually.
Gobber: [missing the point] I know, but can ya ever really have to much firepower?
[The twins load large rocks into each of their catapults on their saddles and launch them, only to have both Barf and Belch struck in the head. They fall to the ground.]
Hiccup: Uh, catapults for the twins? Not such a good idea. [Gobber just shrugs.]
[Fishlegs' saddle is equipped with four large maces, which Meatlug has a hard time staying aboveground with.]
Fishlegs: You can do it, girl! Think light. [Meatlug, exhausted, falls to the ground.]
Gobber: [disappointed] Oh, come on! You can't tell me my saddle is heavier than Fishlegs!
Fishlegs: [sensitively] My mom says I'm just husky.
[Snotlout tries to put his flamethrower saddle on Hookfang, but Hookfang only throws it off and thrashes around.]
Snotlout: [putting out a hand to touch Hookfang's snout.] Come on, Hookfang. What's wrong with you? (Hookfang turns away.) That's it. Someone's trading with me.
Tuffnut: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure. I'll trade my perfect dragon for an angry oven.
Astrid: [landing with Stormfly, who doesn't look tired in the slightest.] This saddle's actually pretty good.
Gobber: Wait 'til you try the horn!
[Astrid blows into the horn, which is telescope-like. The bigger it is, the more amplified the sound is. This startles Stormfly and she sends spines flying, pinning Snotlout to the wall.]
Snotlout: Really? Again?
Hiccup: So, anyway, I-I think we're really gonna need to make a few--
Gobber: [smiling] Changes! I'm way ahead of you. I've got so many ideas! It's gettin' crowded up here. [chuckles. Hiccup has a look of worry.]
[Later, Hiccup is cleaning up the arena, which is full of burn marks. Stoick enters the arena, looking around in surprise.]
Stoick: My Odin! This place looked better when we were killing dragons here!
Hiccup: Yeah, we sort of got 'Gobbered'.
Stoick: Well, you know Gobber. He means well, he just doesn't always do well. So what are you going to do about him?
Hiccup: I'm going to clean up his messes and re-do his work.
Stoick: Look; Gobber's like family--
Hiccup: Yeah, I know he is! That's why I can't say anything to him.
Stoick: No, son, that's why you have to. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Gobber.
Hiccup: Why do I have to say something to him?! You didn't! You just passed him off to me!
Stoick: That's what the chief does; he delegates. Look, I gave you this Academy because it's the best thing for Berk. Now you have to do what's best for the Academy. And I'm sorry, son, but what's best is very rarely what's easy. [sees Snotlout hanging on the wall, snoring] What about him?
Hiccup:Leave him. He's going for a record.
Hiccup:Hey, you never know, bud. Maybe Gobber finally looked at my plans and is actually making the saddles better. Or not.
Hiccup:Gobber? Don't shoot!
Gobber: I would never shoot you, Hiccup. Unless I absolutely had to.
Hiccup: He-he, yeah. Still, if you could please put the crossbow down, I know I'd feel better.
Gobber: You know, about the weapons, maybe the catapults were a bit much for some of the dragons yesterday. So I've gone a different way. I've gotten rid of the two big ones.
Hiccup: Gobber, that's great!
Gobber: And replaced them with six little ones!
Hiccup: Yeah, um, Gobber we need to talk. Uh, I think it might be time for you to take a little break.
Gobber: In case you hadn't noticed, the only time a Viking takes a break is to die.
Maybe "break" is the wrong word. What I mean is, I'm not sure things are working out.
Gobber: Well, get back to me when you're sure.
Hiccup: Okay, I'm sure. Gobber, I'm gonna need to take you off the saddle project.
Gobber: Are you gettin' rid of me, Hiccup? Now I see why you had me put down the crossbow.
Hiccup: It's just the saddles! We'll find something else for ya.
Gobber: I don't need your pity. I've lost and arm and a leg. I think I'll survive losing a job.
Hiccup: I'm really sorry, Gobber.
Hiccup: Well, that was awful. I don't know what could be worse than that. Okay, it looks like I'm about to find out.
Snotlout: I never... thought... I'd say this... but Hiccup... HELP!!!
Stoick: Everybody back away! The dragon's out of control! It's not safe here!
Snotlout: I don't know what happened! I was just rubbing his head! He usually loves that! But this time, he went crazy. My dragon hates me!
Fishlegs: They do say a pet starts to take on the characteristics of it's owner. I think that's what's happening here.
Fishlegs: Yeah, I rest my case.
When was the last time he ate?
Not for days.
Are you hungry, boy? Oh, sorry, Dad.
We've got to bring this dragon under control.
Don't worry. I can do this. There you go. It's gonna be okay.
Way ahead of you!
I've seen enough, Hiccup. I'm sorry. We tried it your way.
Gobber! We need you.
No, you don't. Nobody needs me. Nobody needs any of us. Not even you, Bertha.
Are you crying?
Course not. Just chopping onions.
There are no onions.
Not anymore. Look what I used to chop them with.
There's a dragon in the plaza that's out of control.
Then why don't you call Hiccup?
No Gobber, we need you.
Come on, guys! Hurry up! Think! What haven't we tried? Snotlout, you have an idea?
Stand back. I came here to do what I do best.
He's gonna kill my dragon.
No, he's not.
Uh, yeah, he is.
You don't use that stuff to butter toast.
Well, I mean, we would, but you don't.
Hiccup [runs up to Stoick]
Dad, you can't be serious! Hookfang is Snotlout's dragon.
I'm sorry, Hiccup, but sometimes you have to fall back on the old ways.
But he's a good dragon.
Snotlout[looking plead like]
He's a good dragon!
There's probably just something wrong with him.
There's definitely something wrong with him!
We have to try to help him. We can't just get rid of him because he's having a bad day.
A bad day for a dragon can be a disaster for us. That's not a risk I am willing to take. Gobber.
[Gobber wrestles and ties his wings and legs togheter. Hookfang until Hookfang coughs out small, sparks of fire.]
Ha! You're all out of fire!
I can't let you do this. [Hiccup runs up and forces Gobbers arm down.]
There's no choice. It has to be done.
[Hookfang bends down and roars, letting Gobber and Hiccup see in its mouth]
Do you see that?
Hiccup: [letting go of Gobber's arm]
Gobber: tosses away a sword.
Time to put this beast out of its misery.
Hiccup! What are you doing?
[Gobber jumps on Hookfang's head and wrestles his mouth open. He yanks a tooth out]
Ah! You didn't kill him!
For a toothache? [Holds up a half-hollowed out tooth]What kind of lunatic are you?
Stop it. Stop it. Ugh, I don't know where that came from. Can you train that out of him or...?
Thank you, Gobber. A bad tooth; I can't believe I didn't think of that.
Gobber: That's because you're not Gobber! I've forgotten more about dragons than most men will ever know. Well, better go put the girls away.
Hiccup: Gobber! Not so fast!
Hiccup (v.o.): When the world around you changes, the good men find a way to change with it. And Gobber is one of those good men. In fact, he's one of the best.
Gobber: I've got my axe and I've got my mace, and I love my wife with the ugly face! I'm a Viking through and throouugghh!
How to Start a Dragon Academy (transcript)
Animal House (transcript)